By: Hammad Ahmad
In a patriarchal society, women are often raised akin to cattle bred for slaughter, while men are conditioned to become the butchers. In the 21st century, where postmodernist subjectivity has profoundly influenced thought processes, it might seem absurd to regard any reality as truly objective—except perhaps the realities defined by Marxist perspectives. Yet, certain behaviors can be deemed societally objective within the context of Pakistani society.
One such norm is encapsulated in the phrase, “be a man.” This directive conveys an expectation to embody traits such as anger, bravery, courage, masculinity, power, displays of dominance, and occasionally violence. Failing to conform to these traits can lead to one’s identity as a man being questioned.
In this societal framework, many men harbor a desire to perform acts of kindness, sweetness, and care—gestures that would contribute positively to the community. However, they often refrain. Why? The answer lies in both incapacity and societal restrictions. Patriarchal structures have a deep-seated fear of femininity, associating traits like kindness, care, and attention exclusively with women. When these roles or traits are challenged or reversed, it disrupts the societal fabric, leading to what is perceived as anarchy.
These gender norms, honed over centuries, are difficult to alter. When they are questioned, it creates an oppressive tension in the social environment, leaving those resistant or incapable of change feeling suffocated.
In this context, men are primarily raised to be sole breadwinners, with their worth and purpose often tied to their ability to provide for their families. While this responsibility can be noble and fulfilling, it becomes problematic when societal control extends into other facets of individual lives, including sexuality. Just as women in patriarchal societies are denied the freedom to marry at will, men too face restrictions. Sexuality, a fundamental aspect of any species’ existence, is tightly controlled. Any attempt by individuals—male or female—to assert autonomy over their sexuality poses a threat to this control.
This constant enforcement of conformity leads to frustration across society. The societal mandate of “YOU HAVE TO DO IT” suppresses individuality. Practices like vani in rural Pakistan, a custom dating back 400 years, exemplify this rigid conformity. What happens when men refuse to adhere to such customs? The outcome can be as severe as for women: they might be forced or even killed. This willingness to compromise reinforces harmful traditions, which are then passed down to future generations. The inability to say “No” perpetuates societal oppression and strips individuals of their dignity.
What, then, should men and women do in such a patriarchal society? Should they switch gender roles entirely? Should they abandon responsibilities and embrace chaos?
Instead of shifting roles, a better solution lies in embracing “shared roles.” This approach is already gaining traction in society. Why should women be the sole cooks and men the sole earners? Why can’t both partners share in earning and cooking? Why should women alone care, love, and show affection? Why shouldn’t men do the same? Why should only women receive gifts on special occasions, anniversaries, and ceremonies?
Masculinity should not be defined by aggression or violence but by the ability to show respect, care, and kindness. A truly masculine individual is one who upholds dignity and compassion, breaking free from oppressive norms and contributing to a more equitable society.
